Thoughts from the Orthodontic Chair

“Teeth aren’t pearly until you smile.” -Anthony Liccione

Wow. That crack in the ceiling tile is still there? Ooohh. That fluorescent bulb just flickered again. So that brings us to 12 times per hour, with an average flicker lasting 3.25 seconds. At that rate the bulb is going to need replacing in….. I have no idea what I’m saying.


Hmmm… those are some interesting earrings Debra is wearing today. Awfully dangly for my liking provided she’s going to be leaning over my open mouth. Your ear lobes better be pretty darn strong, Debra, because I will not have those falling into my throat. I refuse to go out while reclining in a dental chair, mouth agawk, with this dumb paper napkin necklace around my neck.

Okay. Time to begin. Finally getting these old wires taken out. They’ve been stabbing into my gums for about a week now. Let’s all take a minute and laugh at the idea that little balls of wax that don’t even stay attached to the wires are supposed to prevent a metal rod from piercing into my tissue. All right, wires out. What’s next?

I really wish I had eaten before my appointment, but I had no time to brush afterward and I don’t want the hygienist to think I don’t brush after every meal. Oh jeez, I hope she doesn’t hear my stomach impersonating a whale call. I can eat after my appointment. A nice, big, steaming…. bowl of soup. Yay…..

At least I can go brush now without wires. I never thought I’d be so happy to brush my teeth. Mhmmm. Look at how straight they’re getting. Let me just snap a few quick selfies while nobody is looking to do a #TransformationTuesday next week. Ugh. This lighting is doing nothing for me. Maybe if I turn my head 45 degrees to the left, tilt the phone up slightly. Ahhh… screw it. Where’s the dog filter? Oh no. I’ve been “brushing my teeth” for 5 minutes now. I should probably get back to the chair.


What’s that? Why yes, Debra. Of course I’ve been flossing regularly. Why ever do you ask? Did I compliment you on those lovely earrings, by the way. They’re absolutely darling. Phew… catastrophe avoided. I mean come on. Do they understand how complicated it is to floss your teeth while wearing braces?

Here comes the big man in charge. Open wide. Haha. Oh come on, how old are you, Mark. I see he’s wearing his scented gloves again. I don’t know what it is about these things, but… they’re absolutely terrible. The smell makes me so nauseous. Okay. Don’t throw up, don’t throw up, don’t throw up. Think about…. oh hey this song again. I love this song. Think about this song.

He is pleased with how much my teeth have moved since the last appointment. They’re doing so well that he thinks we should go up two levels at once with my new wires. No, I didn’t want to eat anything solid for the next seven days. Okay, just think of the long road. Stop complaining, beauty is pain. Beauty is pain. Beauty is pa… AHHHHH. Oh my gosh. Teeth are not meant to be violently forced every which way, Debra!!

I’m sorry I yelled at you in my head. I’m just hungry. You’re the professional. Colors? Ugh. Why didn’t I think about this before I came in. Okay, let’s see….. I’m gonna need to see the swatch palette again…. This is such a hard decision. You know what, let’s just go with the standard purple. I mean I’ve gotten it the last 3 appointments, clearly it’s working for me. Oh, I get a power-chain too. Lovely.

Now…. we wait. Where is that orthodontist. I just want to take my final measurements so I can get out of here and eat my… broth. Oh here he comes. I like his novelty tie. It’s actually very funny. Little teeth everywhere, because he’s an orthodontist. Phahaha. I crack myself up. Great. Measurements done and I will see you in 6 weeks. That’s 6 weeks closer to having a perfect smile. It may not be easy or pleasant, but hey, it’s worth it. High-five, Mr. Ortho-Man.

Oh, by the way, I’ll be needing another package of rubber bands.

Eighteen months into my treatment, twelve months to go!

How many of you guys had or have braces and what do you remember most about the experience? Sound off in the comments below.


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